Him: “Don’t get attached.”

Me: “Oh, but that’s completely out of your control. Leave my heart to me.”


Letting thoughts pass. Greeting them like a Walmart Greeter

It’s not the negative thoughts even though horrible that are the enemy. It’s the investing and believing those thoughts that is the issue.

I was once told by a Buddhist psychologist  Jack Kornfiel to simply be a door greeter for thoughts. – To try NOT to be the bouncer and distract/avoid/kick out the negative thoughts, and not to be a door mat and let the thoughts rub their feet on me and rub me into the mud, but to simply be the door greeter that acknowledges each thought, perhaps even  each feeling that comes, name them, say hello “ah there you are anger. I see you” or “I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough.” and let it pass without doing anything accept paying attention to the fact that it’s there. Eventually the thought or feeling will pass by and a new thought or feeling will pop up and again, bow to it, welcome it as it passes by the gates of your mind and let it walk through like the others and just watch it as it goes by until it’s gone in the distance and a new thought pops up.

I’m probably not doing this Explanation any justice, lol. I probably need to explain more, but I don’t have the words ATM. This sort of work also seems silly and lame at first but it’s worth it if you can stick through it and get by the uncomfortable dorky feeling you may experience like I did the first hundred times I practiced. And it’s not for people who are in immediate self harm distress who could use a temporary emergency distraction. This is more of an everyday thing to do to help build your awareness of yourself and the thoughts you have, and to build strength, tolerance and resistance against the negative thoughts. When I have toxic thoughts, although still very intense and impulsive and I get bursts of strong emotion , I’m 10X better than I ever was as a teen at not getting lost in them and drowning in them as often as I used to. The inner chaos still exists, but it’s much more manageable than it ever was.  I personally am not always able to hold back my toxic thoughts and they at times get leaked to my friends. In the past, these thoughts and feelings would fester and rise quickly from 0-100 in seconds as if I stuck my hand on a hot burner and I’d explode with rage or sadness or whatever emotion was present that I was sinking into. It caused a lot of issues with friend groups who weren’t sure how to respond or didn’t see things the way I did, perhaps were offended, or couldn’t handle the unpredictable outbursts and abuse that I didn’t realize I was doing because I was too busy giving into all the feelings and horrible thoughts and urges , too busy with my own hurt to think clearly, to Be aware that these were temporary moments that I’d later overcome. And I lost friends. And I felt humility. And it sucked.

But now, knowing what I do, seeing the kinds of thoughts my brain twists into motion because of this sort of self awareness practice, I’m much better at not exploding into chaos and I can better pull these thoughts back even if I in the moment gave into the urge and say “that was a shitty intense moment and toxic thought.” and with doing that I’m separating myself from the thoughts. This isn’t me. I’m not my thoughts. They’re just automatic thoughts nothing more . I’m saying to myself and others that my Feelings and thoughts are not facts, they are simply feelings and thoughts. I’m also saying “hey, I recognize this isn’t healthy thinking and I’m working on it.”

I’m not a master at this, and I don’t know if anyone is, but Mastery isn’t the goal, progress and growth and courage to keep Going back to the practice over and over . There are still many times I still fall prey to the whole “I’m never going to get better” thoughts lol and I sort of  sink in the water with them a while and let myself be miserable – but then with time, I finally remember what this is and i recognize that itself is another cognitive distortion and another toxic thought and feeling to acknowledge and wave to ヾ(๑╹◡╹)ノ” bye! lol and I sit up, close my eyes and internally greet it.

And yet even other times you may even feel proud of yourself.  When I finally let pass and get myself away from “self pity, woe is me, why me “thoughts I have moments where when I catch the dark crap I’m spiraling down into and acknowledge it/become aware of it before it sucks me in,  I’m like ” Heck yeah!! Great job!” *High fives self*


so yeah 🙂 it’s a lot of work and you may need to somehow Google what I’m talking about to get more clarity(Jack Kornfield might be worth looking into since he is where I got it from lol) but hopefully you’ll somehow understand some of what I wrote. It’s been a challenge and a practice I have to remember to use lol but the awareness I gained by practicing this thing does really help me significantly in my personal progress. I 💭think at first I wasn’t ready for it and I had to come back to it years later but when I was ready for it – it was there for me and it was my next step into that progressing my mental health awareness; it added a new healthy tool to my mental health “therapy brain box ” 🙂

What people 💭think of you

*’No matter how hard you try to project yourself a certain way to people, you will never succeed 100% because you cannot control people’s perceptions nor the role you play in other people’s lives.’

*’The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think of them.’

*’Searching for happiness in others will make you feel alone. If you can search it within yourself, you’ll feel happy even when you are left alone.’

*’Your self worth is not found in the opinions of others.’

*Just be yourself. After all, everyone else is already taken.




What is Attachment?

> The capacity to form and maintain healthy emotional relationships which generally begin to develop in early childhood.

> Enduring bond with ‘special’ person

> Security & safety within context of this relationship

> Includes soothing, comfort, and pleasure

> Loss or threat of loss of special person results in distress

What is the Attachment Theory?

> John Bowlby (1907-1990) British Child Psychiatrist/Psychoanalyst

> He was the first attachment theorist, describing attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”

> Bowlby believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life.

> According to Bowlby, attachment also serves to keep the infant close to the mother, thus improving the child’s chances of survival.

> Disturbance/ Disruption of initial attachment bond between child and caregiver renders person insecure as an adult.

> The central theme of attachment theory is that caregivers who are available and responsive to their infant’s needs establish a sense of security in their children.

> The infant knows that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world.

Adult Attachment

> From our childhood experiences we develop schemas that are connected with dependability of others and the worth or ‘lovable-ness’ of self.

> These schemes are easily maintained across time into adulthood as they are reinforced over and over again.

> In the literature these schemas are referred to as attachment styles.

Types of Attachment Styles

(Hazen & Shaver 1994)

> Can I count on this person to be there for me if I need them?

> Are others trustworthy and responsive?

> Am I lovable and able to elicit caring?



fearful- tend to recognize their need for others, but avoid others and frame them as untrustworthy.

Dismissing- Tend to deny their need for attachment and frame others as untrustworthy.



Tend to cling to attachment figures or aggressively demand reassurance, often fearing that they are somehow deficient or unlovable.



Tend to believe that others are reliable and see themselves as lovable and worthy of care.

***A sense of security provides better

1.better Affect regulation

> less reactivity

> less hyper arousal

> less under arousal

> more acknowledgement of support seeking

A Sense of Security Provides

2.Better information processing

> more flexibility, curiosity, openness

> tolerance of ambiguity and uncertainty

3.Better communication

> more ability to collaborate, to disclose, more assertive and empathetic

A Sense of Security Provides

4.Sense of Self (love)/ is more positive.

How This Applies to Adults

> Seeking and maintaining contact is viewed as the primary motivating principle from childhood into adult relationships

> A secure connection offers a safe haven and a secure base.(needs for connection, comfort and caring are key)

> Accessibility and Responsiveness builds bonds

> Separation Distress – a predictable process.

> Protect

> Cling and Seek

> Depression and Despair

> Dettachment


Attachment Styles are working models of self and others

> The way we see ourselves

> The way we see others

> The way we see relationships

> Predict the way we will respond

Role of Emotion

> Emotions will automatically arise when an attachment figure is perceived as inaccessible or unresponsive.

> Attachment Injuries

> An Attachment injury occurs when one partner violates the expectation that the other will offer comfort and caring in times of danger and distress.

> It is characterized by an abandonment or betrayal of trust during a critical moment of need.

> When a partner cries out for help and there is no response, the sense of basic trust that is the foundation upon which the welfare of their bond depends is shattered.


Secure Attachment

Believes and trusts that his/her/their needs will be met.

Parent: Quick, Sensitive, Constant

Child: Secure, Exploring, Happy.


Avoidant Attachment

Subconsciously believes that his needs probably won’t be met.

Parent: Distant, Disengaged

Child: Not very explorative, Emotional


Ambivalent/anxious Attachment

Cannot Rely on his needs to be met.

Parent:Inconsistent, Sometime sensitive, Sometimes neglectful

Child:Anxious, Insecure, Angry


Disorganized Attachment

Severely confused with no strategy to have his needs met

ParentExtreme, Frightened, Frightening, Passive

Child: Depressed, Passive, Angry, Non-responsive.























REf: OTMH, 4th Floor., attachfromscratch.com


Assertive Rights and Responsibilities

1. I have the right to put myself first. In fact, my 1st responsibility is to myself. Only when I am meeting my own needs adequately, can I give to others freely, without expectations.
2. I have the right to be treated with respect.
3. I have the right to decide what to do with my own property, body, and time.
4. I have the right to evaluate my own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon myself.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
6. I have the right to make self-evaluations without worrying about what other people think.
7. I have the right to not offer reasons or excuses for justifying my behaviour.
8. I have the right to make my own decisions, to make illogical decisions AND to change my mind. I have the right to change my mind after I’ve said YES.
9. I have the right to say, “I don’t know, ” “I don’t understand,” “I don’t care.” and “I don’t want to be involved.” Without feeling inferior.
10. I have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty or selfish.
11. I have the right to ask for what I want (realizing that the other person has the right to say no).
12. I have the right to have, and express my feelings.
13. I have the right to consider my own needs and to express my needs. I have the right to ask for help.
14. I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
15. I have the right to self fulfillment.
16. I have the right to be independent.
17. I have the right to dignity and self-respect.
18. I have the right to privacy.
19. I have the right to accept, or to refuse, challenges.
20. I have the right to change.
21. I have the right to choose not to assert myself.
1. To assess my true feelings without exaggeration or under-estimating; to express my feeling(s) appropriately without demeaning someone else in the process.
2. To act in a responsible manner as much of the time as possible.
3. To think through my opinions and realize others can disagree with them.
4. To learn from mistakes, rather than punishing myself or others because of mistakes.
5. To reply as soon as possible or as soon as I am able, and without taking unreasonable amount of time.
6. To accept others’ answers respectfully.
7. To respect commitments to others as well as to myself; to allow sufficient time to fulfill commitments.
8. To think through my responses before answering.
9. To not impose my own values on others.
10. To express my needs and, if appropriate, work out a compromise.
11. To avoid “boxing in” myself or others by labelling or making judgement.
12. To acknowledge other’s choices and accomplishments.
13. To feel appropriate anger and sadness and to assert these feelings with the people involved.
14. To recognize anger, sadness, and joy, and see that these feelings do not interfere with others’ rights and responsibilities.

My needs are equal to the needs of others
My needs are different from yours and need to be respected.
My recovery is the most important thing.
I can be assertive without being aggressive.
I’m moving forward in my life despite setbacks
I have the right to my own time.
I am not alone.
I am learning to cope with problems I cannot change/fix.
I am learning who I am and I give myself permission to do that.
I’m okay with nurturing myself.
I am learning to walk away from people and situations that no longer serve me.
I will be kind to myself.

I can see you are angry/upset right now/and/or/ I am upset right now.  I need to take a moment away from this conversation.
That is a harmful comment.  That is a hurtful comment.
Will you lower your voice?  If you cannot lower your voice, I will
have to end the conversation.
Please take a  few deep breaths – you may not realize but you’re talking “at” me.
That makes me uncomfortable.
That’s unkind.
That’s not very nice.
I don’t appreciate…
That’s personal.
Wow, that doesn’t make me feel good at all.
That’s too far.

**step down approach – what your body language, and lower your voice, space the words out.**

Remember: It’s not selfless or selfish its self care.